The Two Sides of Fear: Paralyzing or Inspiring

It took a while for me to announce publicly that I was going to thru-hike the PCT. Effectively hitting ‘pause’ on your career, your life and, in some ways, your relationships, is not a decision made lightly. So even though I’ve been planning to hike it for over 20 years, it wasn’t until recently that I told other people. There are a variety reasons for this, but when you parse, dissect, scrutinize, and analyze them, they all boil down to one thing: fear. I didn’t tell many people about my dream because of fear. Fear of ridicule, naysayers, fear-mongers, to name just a few.

Fear is fascinating. It is alternately paralyzing and inspiring. It can immobilize or it can motivate. I didn’t tell people about my dream of hiking the PCT because I feared doing so would immobilize me. Others might confirm my own, private fears and I’d give up before I started. (If everyone else is worried about ax-murderers and Sasquatch, maybe I should be more concerned than I already am.)

So it’s ironic that it was fear that finally motivated me to go for it in 2018. — If I waited much longer I feared my body would age out; that I wouldn’t be physically capable of the challenge in the future. I feared family obligations, like aging parents, were potentially on the horizon. I feared work obligations and commitments could change. To put it bluntly, it was time to piss or get off the pot.

I’ve had a long time to think about this journey, and no doubt there are things I haven’t considered or fully thought through. In the time since I went public, it’s been helpful hearing the reactions and advice of others. I am truly appreciative of the support. So many have expressed interest or concern or offered advice. But occasionally I’ve had to tune out or filter. A few would express concerns that hit a little too close to my own fears and confirmation bias would creep in. (Sasquatch!) I occasionally had to listen selectively in order to keep fear and it’s paralysis at bay.

That’s not to say I put my head in the sand and ignored valid concerns. Rather, I was already mitigating them in a way I felt appropriate.

So, as an exercise in mental preparation, I’ve made a top 10 list of my fears and how I plan to mitigate them.

1. Fear of failure and not finishing – At this point I’ve told so many people (I’m looking at you, blog reader) that it will be more painful to explain my failure than to continue hiking.

2. Losing interest – This is a dream I had in my 20’s. What if nearly 30 years later it’s just that – a dream I had in my 20s? I’ve researched, read and watched everything PCT the last 8+ months. I still get excited. Even videos showcasing hikers’ feet looking like raw hamburger or the after-effects of mustard gas don’t seem to deter me. Hopefully 700 miles of desert or Oregon won’t either.

3. Injury – Yeah….about this one…. I will obviously do my best to avoid injury, but there are SOME injuries, that will necessitate bailing. Life, limb and permanent disability are my cut-off.

4. Snakes – Rattlers are out there. I will keep my eyes and ears peeled, and when listening to music or podcasts I will use only one earbud.  Here’s an interesting website on hiking and snakes:  https://rattlesnakesolutions.com/snakeblog/science-and-education/arizona-hikers-guide-to-rattlesnake-safety/

5. Poodle Dog Bush – PDB causes blisters and rash and is very common in the desert/So Cal; particularly in areas that have been burned by wildfire. This is a new hazard for me. I’ve watched/read up on how to visually ID it, as well as it’s distinctive smell (like cannabis). I wasn’t planning to wear long pants through the desert, but I may reconsider for this reason.

6. Not recognizing Poison Oak and Ivy – I’ve had mixed results identifying these over the years. I once had a bad case after, uh, peeing in the woods years ago. Dr Google has since seared images of these two into my memory. I’m praying for total recall the next 6 months.

7. Running into the ax-murderer you all warned me about – Hikers tend to look out for and keep track of one another. I plan to be a part of that network.

8. Earthquakes, Wildfires, Zombie Apocalypse and other natural disasters – Wildfires are a legitimate and serious concern. Fortunately many government agencies and the Pacific Crest Trail Association (PCTA) are good about getting the word out regarding fires, trail closures and re-routes.

9. Critters getting into my food – I will have a rodent-resistant bag and a bear canister (where required)

10. Giardia – As my Doctor told me while writing a Rx for Flagyl to take with me, “filter, filter, filter!”

And for the “Spinal Tap” fans, this list now goes to eleven…..

11. That Wikipedia is wrong about Brown Recluse spiders not being native to California – Sometimes you just have to have faith.